a little thing i've learnt about love

stop looking at yourself as a person who needs to be gratified,

and start looking at yourself as a life

that loves to be shared.

from india with love

thanks for all the comments everyone :) in india at the moment and will write a proper post in a while... a lot of new thoughts and ideas!

one love!

lost and found

my twenties have been a period of continually forgetting and rediscovering parts of myself. in many ways, i think i had a much stronger sense of self until the age of 20. that's not to say i was happier, cos i definitely wasn't, but my ideas about who i was were rigid, and if nothing else, there was a sense of security in this.

in my twenties i suddenly had all these choices - especially once i finished my degree. and i began to figure what i liked to do, who i liked to be with, and i realised that my life was of my own making, and i was free to make whatever choices i liked - from the most mundane to the most profound.

and every choice has repercussions. each choice uncovers bits of myself that I didnt realise were there. and simultaneously draws attention from the parts I was previously focusing on.

so life is this dance - this push and this pull - this ebbing sea, and i am never quite sure who i am, or where my boundaries are.

and then, suddenly, it all comes together, and i realise that i am standing outside myself, with the space and freedom to look in on myself.

it doesn't happen very often, but in those moments i am not just finding a part of myself...

i am seeing who i am.

depression

i dont think mammy loves me. every time i turn to her, she tries to go away. i follow her. mammy. i'm crying, i'm scared. please don't leave me alone. i'm hurt. i want it to go away.

but mammy wants me to go away.

mammy doesnt love me. mammy, i'm scared of the dark. i'm scared of what i dont know. i don't know whats going to happen. i'm scared, and i don't understand. i need you to make me feel better. i need you to give me a hug. i need you to love me, mammy. i need you to love me.

but you don't, so i must be a bad child. you tell me i'm a bad child, and i feel bad, so i am bad. and you push me away, and all i want is for you to love me. and you hate me. you shout at me, you tell me to go away. i don't want to go away. mammy, i have nowhere to go!

i feel so so sad, i dont know how to make it go away. i cry and i cry, but you still don't love me, and the longer i cry, the more alone i feel.

and now i'm an adult, and that little child is still inside me, still crying and looking for love, and in many ways i've become my mother, because i hate that child, i want her to grow up and get a grip. but that child takes me over. all i can hear is her crying, crying, crying in my ear. and I can't make it stop.

i don't know if this is what depression is for other people, but i've realised that this is what depression is for me. it's this feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, fear, that without warning, stirs within me. and as an adult, trying to get on with me life - i push this feeling down. "Shut the hell up, i've got a life to live, and you're ruining it!" and i try to push it down, with food, with alcohol, with the internet, with some mindless relationship.

but it's still there.

and eventually i cant fight it anymore, and i give in, and it takes me over, and i become that trembling child that cant stop crying.

and i dont know how to make it stop.

men, women and worrying

i recently heard an interview on the radio with an author about the teenage years, teenage depression etc. He reckoned that while teenage years are difficult for most people, that are harder for females, because females have a tendency to worry more.

now, whatever about teenage depression, i do think that women are probably more prone to anxiety, and are more likely to think 'what if', whereas men are more like: 'this happened and now there's going to be a sequence of events'.

but i dont think it actually has to do with gender. i think it has to do with how the person's parents parented them as a child. in general, when a child does something wrong, parents seem to tell boys that they must behave in a particular way in future, and tell girls that they should have done things differently. this gives rise to many men repressing their emotions, and many women being neurotic about what they have done wrong in any given situation.

TWO GLASSES OF RED WINE

Something else to share...
:)


TWO GLASSES OF RED WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of red wine.........

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, without speaking he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full of golf balls? They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of red wine from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends,
and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full.'

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'There is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you.'

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of glasses of red wine with a friend.'

Share this with a friend, I just did.

"He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise."

~ William Blake



Keep loving life as it lives through you.